Life Of a Penniless Dreamer

  Dear dreamer, Another puzzle I am going to point something out just in case you have not noticed. I have not taken on any major project in recent times. Of course, there have been speculations here and there, big plans, but I have not recently done anything that got me biting away at my nails or tapping my nails repeatedly on a surface without rhythm. Truth is, I have been truly hesitant to do anything major. I have been doing things carelessly without properly analysing because, I am worried that the ones I look into would not see the light of the day.  The interesting fact is that no matter how many things you do in the process of doing as much as possible, if you don't put much thought in it, you will not get far no matter how great the idea. For anything to grow, it needs tending. So, I was sure none of the things I did mindlessly would amount to anything reasonable so I was even more nonchalant about them. I did not understand how long this torturous cycle would go on....

Dear dreamer, Moving from phase to phase This is hard but it's the simplest thing when it happens at the right time. Things progress in stages and gradually, you can not skip any step. Don't even attempt to jump prematurely. One line from one of my favourite songs is 'Don't give up on your future, we all start losers' That captures everything I felt. Your dreams will feel like a dream, close to delusion in fact. Imagination, pure imagination with nothing but faith to back it up. No one really made it or fit in at once. They all acted it till it became real and that's what you should do too. Don't be afraid of feeling odd and going ahead still. We all do but we keep it under covers. We fake it till we make it.  At first, we would not be able to make sense of it but we will take tiny steps every now and then, move from one phase to another. There will be a lot of learning, relearning and unlearning. We'll change too with the process. Perspectives might get...

  Dear dreamer, What's important? Past, Present or Future I have to figure out what to do because it has to be done as soon as possible, time was not going to wait. The constant buzz of worry from the moment I awake in the morning till the last sigh before slumber was beginning to tire me. I was getting weary of being so anxious, it is exhausting. All for the future? I paused for a moment to try to precisely describe what I was doing. What's the future? A day that will never arrive, it's very ironic. We constantly prepare for a day that never eventually arrives. The charm lies in the present because the future we seek resides in the present we push so much. When we plan, we use the future to project the present. The future is somewhat overrated. It's not as important as we make it seem. All of our lives will be lived in the present without really getting to 'the future'. So, I think it's a waste to live in constant fear of what 'the future' looks lik...

Dear dreamer, Life in a nutshell Honestly, life is a hard puzzle we might never get to solve. We always risk one or the other, no safe option anywhere. You risk succeeding or failing. Either one come with it perks and downs. Forget that success is called 'success', we pick one that means severe work or risk not working. Each come with their consequences.  After choosing to do, you still have to figure out what to do or not. There's no specific guide on what to do or not. There is a myriad of possibilities with regards to what to do and you can not do all, we are all limited individually. You can only do one at a time to ensure you are productive but we don't have the luxury of knowing what to do. So, we try everything we can simply do, one at a time.  However, one worry still remains. How much time do you have to do everything you can find? We don't even have enough time to try out all the possibilities to see which fits best. We can very much say life is a journey ...

  Dear dreamer, Faith Nothing could quite describe how hard it is to have faith. Faith is trusting without reason. There is no evidence that the outcome is going to be as you expect but you just trust the process. Fun fact is people say 'trust the process' a lot but do not grasp how difficult it can be when you have to act. It's honestly very hard to trust without evidence and there's hardly anything that can be done without trusting the process. Life works such that we always have to trust the seed to grow and just plant. Then, we wait carefully for it to grow. As easy as it may sound, it's complicated to do and I was beginning to understand on a new level just how hard it is.  I am supposed to put my faith in my plans. I had this plans that could very well fall to pieces in seconds and I was to trust them to carry me to safety. Maybe it's because the plan was not exactly familiar; I had not adopted from someone. I carefully curated it and was now scared to ris...

Dear dreamer,   Decisions Honestly, not my strongest forte. Having or trying to do many things breaks productivity, you lose all of them. It's like chasing two squirrels, you will catch none. Anyway, the first step in the brand was supposed to be the brand introduction but I was having a tool challenge. Alongside, I had a job and I was working on product 2. There was also another project I was working on recently but had managed to find itself out of the range of my concern. After all, the penny was important and I was going to no doubt get it from a job. However, the truth is that I am unable to do anything because I could not decide what was important. On days like this, my dreams were as far and as detached from me as they could be. I couldn't see them. This is the thing with distractions. Connecting with my dreams or purpose was hard so I just did not bother. I was more occupied with surviving. Living my dreams would wait until I have at least survived. For now, it is a lit...

  Dear dreamer, The Brand A brand...it's not a fashion brand like you think...or not. Have you ever heard of personal branding? Well, it is a statement of identity. It describes your core values, who you are and what you think is important. I have always wanted to create a presence to display my personal brand but it managed to skip through other tasks and never happen.  Remember what I said about learning about social media, this seemed like a perfect plan. Using two stones to kill one bird. Opening my personal brand while practically learning about social media seemed like a very good deal and it was a good thing because this was a old project that I fixed for some day. It was eventually going to come to fruition...hopefully. If there is anything I have learnt over time, it is the fact that challenges can prove to be one of the biggest type of distractions. You can be struggling to do something and you suddenly face a challenge and get lost in it. It's like trying to run and...

  Dear dreamer, Doing whether or not... Today, I learnt one more thing. Well, I have to learn about social media in the coming days. It has become one additional task for me to do. Of course, there is a reason but that's besides the point. If there's anything I simply don't like or enjoy, it's engaging on social media. I don't know why too but I don't really enjoy social spaces especially somewhere that has more noise than useful signal. I almost discarded the idea immediately but I thought again. I am supposed to do whatever it takes and it's not supposed to just be the easy ones or the ones I love doing. I understand alignment and all but you have to get out of where is comfortable every now and then which sometimes is synonymous to what you don't particularly enjoy. I always say that we are structured to thrive in tough, strange environments not where we are comfortable.  In fact, I read sometime somewhere that usually passion for what you do is deriv...

Dear dreamer, Discipline...who am I kidding? You know, there are a lot of ways to apply discipline on paper- make your itinerary list everyday and work towards completing it. This gives you a sense of time accountability and helps you to manage your time effectively. I have been trying this out and so far, it's not the best I could do but it was something. Now, I have a day job that takes up my time (so sad...) so, I have to be stricter with my schedule but I still remained unsure of what was really very important to me but I knew I needed money so, I was back to how would I make money but I had a job. Not a very fancy one in fact, I was not very fond of it but it was for the money and I did not exactly have much choice except doing it.  Discipline was better but there was something missing. Discipline does not happen by error or mistake. There is usually a driver and all of the magic starts in your head. Purpose drives discipline. If you have no purpose, living a life that is disc...

Dear dreamer, Optimism I woke up thinking- you are not disciplined enough, you need to more disciplined, stricter with your time, choices. Don't let your feelings make this choices on your behalf. You are going to do this. You have 21 days before you have to report progress on product 2. At this rate, you will not be able to get to the real building part, don't forget that it's complex. Don't worry, everything is fine, I have long hours of monologue in my head sometimes, anything to just keep me sane and in control. We all love control, don't we? One thing about me is that I never grieve for so long, I get over things after a while. I have learnt to lick my wounds because too bad, no one is going to care if you don't make it, even if you have good reason. It's your fault no matter what you say in your defence. So, get up little soldier, chin up and continue fighting else you won't even live to tell the struggles you went through or the hidden battles you...

  Dear dreamer, Rearranging... I need to do something. It was one thing to be mentally down but the longer you spend there, the harder it gets to stand up. Time was painfully passing by the minute and it was becoming more of a matter of urgency, with the urgency only increasing by the moment. I was not about to question my life choices yet again. It is in the past and I wanted to  have nothing to do with it.  Enough with the guessing, it is time to do. Do and fail or win. I had a list of things I have to do and the earlier I set out, the best for me. Once again, I had to create yet another plan. The necessity of a plan can never be overemphasised. I've said this before but I will again because repetition increases clarity thus, the chances of making it stick. The purpose of a plan is not to explicitly make you rigid to a set of your actions. Things would not go according to what you envisioned a lot of times. That's exactly why you make alternative routes to the important...

Dear dreamer, What's important? That's probably the hardest thing I've had to figure out. I was trying to decide what I need to do and what I had to let go of. I was feeling like it was not supposed to be so serious that I have to leave one for the other but let's face it, I had to let the entire idea of doing some things go. They don't seem to have significant contribution to the big picture as a whole but they had managed to spark my interest.  I could stay obstinate and insist on doing all (I wish..) but one resource is so limited- time. I wanted to waste my time but I had no idea if I even had time to waste.  This is the one reason why we always need to be sure that what we are doing at every time is carefully chosen. If this moment were to be your last, would you still choose to do what you are currently doing. If not, then you need to review what you are doing. This is exactly what I was trying to figure out. Should I go ahead and do what's fun or work. We...

Dear dreamer, Tracking through Life It's very important to always pay attention to how we track through life, through the difficult situations, through everything we encounter. Sometimes, I just pause to observe and carefully clean up a 'crime scene', tie every loose ends (not literally though) because there is a chance you will go through something similar next time. How will you address it if you did not tidy it up properly?  I was just reminiscing a little. I remember having so much issue with keeping friends, how I was supposed to treat them and whatnot. I sucked at it honestly, at that time...not anymore. I was having so much issues with my friends, trusting them 'too' much and just a couple of things that would happen to you when you have no serious control over your life. It was fine at first until it became unbearable, like a very hurtful sore. I had to get rid of it at the time. I might as well tell you my balm recipe. It's resilient selfishness.  Selfi...

  Dear dreamer, A team member Yes...I found one when I was not necessarily looking. I found someone that I want to be on the team. She's not a really technical person but, she brings resilience into her work, which is always a plus. I had a team member now, but only in mind not yet on site but, we were working on a project together. Now, I was going to give details of the new project but I can't- just standard protocol. It's not just very wise because of issues that might come up later. I was crashing from time-to-time but, I had to keep getting up. Product 2 has a 60-day prep period  and I have about 25 days left. In terms of performance, I was not bad but I think there's room for improvement. Honestly, I have been sleeping on it (figuratively). Second thing is, I can not quite abandon the idea of product 1, it is a solid one. The idea was something I would definitely do some time later. When or how, I did not exactly know but I need to leave the idea for now, it's...

  Dear dreamer, ... I was overwhelmed. I somehow knew the game was over as far as product 1 was concerned even though one tiny voice kept whispering at the back of mind that it's not over until it is. However, I knew the tell tale signs of closing curtains. With a heavy heart, I am officially declaring product 1 cancelled (lost one) I have spent the entire day grieving another failed attempt. Truth is, I was discussing another idea previously. I had something else, actually a couple things underway already. It did not have a time frame unlike product 1. It had become more than a way to make a few pennies. All of a sudden, I was feeling like I was not working hard enough. Of course, I worked hard but something in me was insisting that I should have worked harder. For a fact, the more time I spent on the project, the less sure I was and it was finally over. To say I felt terrible would be an awful understatement but I have to look forward, learn from it, work harder than I previously...

  Dear dreamer, Another Terrible Odd... It is my last shot at product 1. It was draining to think of product 1 along with every other thing going on. I felt very calm in a terrible way, like the pause and panic in your last moments. For the first time in a long while, it felt like I did not exactly have a choice.  Normally, I understand that I would not win all, the odds will not always be on my side. It would be stacked against me sometimes but they never came with warning labels. I just find myself in them when I do. Out of most things, I always try to find something to take along as my reward, so it does not feel like a complete waste, this time, I had nothing to gain or, it just felt like it. I'm just consoled with the fact that I am not in utter confusion. I have new projects to take on so I would pour in my energy into that after all, I have just this chance to do this.  On my new journey, I have a plan, not necessarily, but I am on the way. However, I am very inter...

  Dear dreamer, Staying positive... Truth is, I was trying my best to stay positive. I had designed a plan almost entirely different from the initial one, the products on my timeline were more and required more. I was yet to assemble a team and I did not necessarily think it is a smart move right now. Certain actions could become very terrible when utilised at the wrong time. That's how teamwork felt. I might be wrong but it just feels like that. I have resorted to writing out time and time again, seeking clarity and trying to find the best way out of this just so I stay sane. When tasks get too much, I run from everything. It just feels very uncomfortable when I am confused. Here I was, with a whole new set of products and a new set of plans, it was like starting over again. I was thinking briefly and I remembered something I tell people time and time again; Life is not a destination, but a journey. The whole essence, the entire worth of life is in the journey you have taken up to...

Dear dreamer, Imitation It seems to me that to go about anything, you need or will need strong determination. It goes beyond what you are asked to do. Of course, it can be something that was suggested that you become invested in. That also counts. There's something I have noticed over time that people can get into either deliberately or not, imitation. Yes, to copy. It's not bad to imitate, in fact I often ask myself what I would do if I were someone else but to lose my originality in my bid to do something that someone else does, I would never do that to myself. There is always a problem when you are trying to imitate an entire existence. You want to act like you face the same issues like someone when we all know that's not possible. Why would you do that to yourself? The worst part is that you can't even get into the role properly so you imitate when you feel you are being watched. You need to breathe in and out.  The first step to greatness is understanding and accep...

Dear dreamer, Cheers to 30 Days That's hardly the point but it's worth mentioning. When I posted Day 1, I was so unsure if I would be able to keep it up. I remember wondering how long I would write for, later I decided to quit worrying about that. I only needed to keep writing as long as I could and we will worry about the rest later. I can dare say that I am becoming the magic in the writing. It was easier to write and I was managing to stay on my path quite well. Even though I had not launched any of the other products, I had the blog. A win is a win. The blog is 30 days...yay!! This makes me remember what I grow everyday to understand better. The biggest challenge is always starting. You will eventually figure out the rest of the details with time. It might be hard to see what will happen in the distant future, don't bother about the details. All you need is a base plan. The rest of it will fall in place with time. As we speak, I don't see the end of the blog anywher...

  Dear dreamer, Addressing matters... The easiest thing for me to do has always been to ignore how I feel which allows me to keep going majority of the time. Use your head not your heart. If you don't feel, your emotions can not even hold you back. Today is just one of the days that I realised that I have feelings that are unattended to. They are somewhere like a bomb ticking away, waiting for the time to detonate. I  need to deal with them now so they don't cause a problem.  I ask myself what is really inside and there's nothing but a serene envelope of tiredness. If I say I am not tired of trying so much and not seeing the results, that would be an outright lie. I am tired of all the disappointments, failed plans that were never my fault more like some things beyond me, some things not going exactly as I planned. I know all of this is normal and expected but it does not erase the sting. Today, I have had to rewrite, rethink, produce an entirely different set of ideas, j...

  Dear dreamer, The Plan... Yeah...I know that is what I'm supposed to do but I was busy with impromptu designing plus other types of jobs that were definitely not in my professional skill set. More importantly, I was trying so hard to see how I could launch product 1 but there's only so much I can do. I was giving it my best though but... It was time for evaluation. Everything or say most of the things I was doing at this time were most likely not going to get me what I needed- pennies if you remember. I did not even understand what I was doing anymore, why was I even here...but it's fine. There's a charm that exists in admitting your own predicament. It reduces the usual struggle that comes with struggling to fight it.  I was branching off- doing something else. At least, that was my intention. I was looking through the archives searching for the perfect project, something I had always wanted to work on. Something relatively possible right away. I was reading through ...

  Dear dreamer, Working my way... First, I was actually getting into this writing thing. It was beginning to feel more natural than forced and I was writing more smoothly than previously. That's a win I guess. In 3 days, it would be 30 days since I started this journey. Maybe I will do a recap, maybe not. Back to the actual business of today, the plan was to get back to commitment- gradual process. If anything had contributed to this, it would be my haphazard way of working. Usually, I am a big planning freak, this does not mean I am rigid. It's just that, a plan is my way of ensuring that everything gets done. If you give me seven days to do a task, I will probably spend 5 days planning what to do but recently, having a lot on my plate has ruined everything called planning or strategy. I was basically jumping from one task to another plus I had a social event that needed my attention so it was terrible. First things first, I wanted to create a priority list. I started with a l...

  Dear dreamer, Impostor This week is the last chance I have for product 1. I was already way behind schedule and truth of the matter is, part of the conditions that has hindered me up to this point is (I'm penniless still). Due to this, I have tried to change the plan around a couple of times but there was always a glitch somewhere and I was slowing down on product 2. Is the team ready? Nope. Did I even have someone in my mind? No. It just feels like I was finally doing the one thing I dreaded in my existence- settling. I was beginning to settle into what life threw at me.  Not that we are supposed to fight life, but we are supposed to navigate it convincingly. We are certain that life was going to just give out anything it wishes, not always what we will necessarily need. We are to take what is given to us and produce something unpredictably beautiful out of it and I was very sure I was doing anything except that. I was not fighting for more. It just felt like my life was al...

  Dear dreamer, Discipline or the Lack If you have ever heard how important consistency is in the course of achievement, it's close cousin is discipline. I don't know what dictionary describes it as but discipline is the quality that makes you do what you are supposed to do whether you feel like it or not. I opened this blog 12 days later than it records and it's day 25 already. The blog should be written in real-time so it can serve its purpose but I have been behind for a while because I lack discipline and it's an habit you have to build to live your dreams It's not going to be easy, nothing worthwhile is but, discipline will keep you going even when you are tired. The difficult part is the discipline process is for life. Discipline requires consistence and consistence makes you disciplined so keep at it everyday. Don't forget, you only get this one chance to not screw it all up.  I am committing to writing this blog everyday in real-time because it is suppos...

  Dear dreamer, Giving up...or not? I was tired. Tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere, no way out. The feeling was all too familiar, I have felt it a lot of times in the past and it was not less difficult than previously,  maybe even more disappointing. I am very wary of the sunk cost fallacy. My dad once told me a story about an insect hitting a window glass severally in hope that the glass would probably budge and it would find breakthrough. Now, we all know that it was only by magic that, it would happen. It was on a suicide mission. The painful part of the story is that just behind, a door was opened wide.  This is what is going on with a lot of people. The moral of the story is that you can be lucky enough to locate the door at once, on the other hand, you might be unfortunate to find the window first and try your best to break it and not succeed. There is nothing that clearly distinguishes an open door or a closed window, both of them still requires the ...

 Dear dreamer,  Courage Some days, my life is not just about work. Occasionally, I will be sharing some of the important lessons I have learnt and still learning from life experience- mine plus others. Before we get to that, let's talk about all the work. Work was going on quite slowly, nothing interesting as far my opinions were concerned. Some days are just going to be a roller-coaster of the same activities for a couple of days. It would be also worthy of note to mention that my old projects that I was trying to bring back were not quite it. I had no feeling for them like I used to have so I knew I would have to generate new projects that spark my interest but I have to keep reminding myself that it's not about being able to come up with different projects but producing pennies so I don't get caught up in creative work- can be addicting especially when I keep getting it right. One of the greatest virtue that you need to be an outlier is courage. If you will be a winner, ...

Dear dreamer, The Best Bet  Yeah! Everyday in our lives, we place bets, sometimes randomly, other times not. The biggest example is not knowing if we'll be awake or alive in the next moment and still choosing to make arrangements for that moment. I have never known a more audacious bet. We make choices everyday that represents our bet because nothing is really certain.  I have been involved in a number of different trades, learnt so many things in the course of my life at different times, given a lot of things trial and recently I was wondering what that was. Is it just a lack of gravity and will to stay grounded or it was a laziness issue, it can not be laziness because it's harder work at the end of the day. I have been in different fields at a frequency that almost seems insane and it is against one of my sole principles; one at a time... Life moves on too fast, at a dizzying space in fact. If you don't learn to exist in dynamism, you will be left behind but you also nee...

  Dear dreamer,  Aftermath ...Resting was definitely a good idea. I was worried actually because resting can become long hours of no productivity because our bodies succumb easily to resting which is disguised as giving up. We'll have to keep waking ourselves if we are going to stay awake at all. This time, resting was a good idea because I was less worried about flopping any of my current plans because I was preparing others and I had faith, renewed faith that it's not going to end up as badly as I sometimes felt. Rest time is up though. Now, I am getting back to work. More work, more learning, greater speed , better everything. I only get this one chance to do this and I would definitely do it. I was considering other alternatives that were not necessarily products. I was looking more at my immediate environment and wondering what other options were available. At first, I wondered if what I was doing was not doing more harm than good but the moment I realised I had absolutel...

Dear dreamer, The Break Yep! I needed and was going to take a break. I just need a break from trusting, working, hoping...all of it. I just wanted to simply breathe in and out...no compulsive thought or action, nothing. Just peace and quiet. I just wanted to check in with myself. I just want to know how I feel with all of the things going on, deal with whatever I had to. I simply wanted to relax and not worry about what I was doing; whether it was wrong or not. I feel like I have been running a marathon, blinded by the wind, numbed by the cold, disturbed by the storm constantly howling, not seeing what exactly was and where exactly I was and I just want to pause and take a good look at my current location maybe I would find a new clue or just about anything to hold on to so, it was time to slow down and calm my entire being so, break it is.  After all, I only get this chance to do this.  Sometimes, we need breaks. We should take them because we have to regroup sometimes as we ...

Dear dreamer,  Recovering... Practically, I had done this self-loathing for two days which is more than enough for me. I knew it was time for me to put my big girl shoes and look forward but it seemed kind of hard.  In my bid of moving on, a couple of things occurred to me. First, the blog was about me, not because of what people wanted to see...I mean, sports would have been a better topic to discuss if all I wanted was attention. I had absolute control over my story. It's mine to tell however I like to.  Also, my story is not supposed to be flawless. Some of it as not as good as others, so what? It doesn't matter if we make mistakes, we will use other part of our lives to make up for it. It's not supposed to be perfect. Flaws are necessary every now and then...that's how we grow. It's all part of what makes us uniquely us. Most importantly, I was feeling nervous about failing without failing. So far, it was good so why should I worry about when it's not good w...

  Dear dreamer, The block If there is anything I dread more than hell, it's a block- writer's block. I don't know exactly how to describe it. For me, it feels like complete blankness sometimes or mind disorganisation. The painful part of the complete blankness is that deep down, there's a lot you could write about but you are just unmotivated and can not really use words to describe what you would. Sometimes, I start writing and it just ends up as a conundrum, confusing even me, the composer. This time, I worked myself into a mental block. When I started the blog, one of the paramount reasons I kept hammering its purpose into my head, painfully so is to prevent situations like this but it seemed like it was all not working. Blocks happened every now and then, the only way to resolve it is to build an habit of what you do frequently till you become the magic in your trade yourself- build the character. In my case, it's still too early to say I had built the habit of ...