Day 029

 Dear dreamer,

Addressing matters...

The easiest thing for me to do has always been to ignore how I feel which allows me to keep going majority of the time. Use your head not your heart. If you don't feel, your emotions can not even hold you back. Today is just one of the days that I realised that I have feelings that are unattended to. They are somewhere like a bomb ticking away, waiting for the time to detonate. I  need to deal with them now so they don't cause a problem. 

I ask myself what is really inside and there's nothing but a serene envelope of tiredness. If I say I am not tired of trying so much and not seeing the results, that would be an outright lie. I am tired of all the disappointments, failed plans that were never my fault more like some things beyond me, some things not going exactly as I planned. I know all of this is normal and expected but it does not erase the sting. Today, I have had to rewrite, rethink, produce an entirely different set of ideas, just when will this cycle stop? I have done this a couple of times now- enough to make me weary and just throw my hands up and walk away. It's no longer about not working hard enough. I have done my very best possible. 

Maybe, what is very painful is the fact that I keep working harder than the last, hoping it would one day be enough but, that feels like wanting too much. When will all of it stop? 

Is there something I need to do better? I am tired but I'm not giving up. I can't...I have come too far, maybe I'm almost there, maybe not. I just need and want to acknowledge once again that I am genuinely exhausted. Nothing more. 

However, it changes nothing. I would still press on, no matter how hard it gets, I don't have much choice in the matter either way. I will rather die in this valley of seeking greatness, a worthy life, dreams that burn, than dying in the meadow of mediocrity. After all, I have this one chance to live this dreams and I was definitely not about to let it go. 


                                    ~A Penniless Dreamer

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