Life Of a Penniless Dreamer

Dear dreamer Misunderstanding Maybe there are many sides of me and that is okay. I wondered if being misunderstood was something everyone experiences because I used to find it difficult coping with the picture of me in people's mind. I thought it was so important, their impression of me. Sometimes, you only mean well and they can't even see it as you try to paint it. They see another figure that bears no resemblance to what you try to illustrate and you are exhausted trying to make them perceive what you do. What if it is a lifestyle that we all just have to get used to. I have become someone who pays very little attention to the noise around. There was no use trying to make them see what I see, their visions were already sort of preset a type of way.  Misunderstanding can come from close or far quarters. The ones that come from close quarters can somewhat be heart wrenching. Was it my fault for not letting them see enough to understand or their fault for not looking closely en...

Dear dreamer, Your work is your seed I got a job offer. That's what happened.  I think we are all familiar with the popular quote that whatsoever is worth doing at all is worth doing well. It's probably one of the most important value system to adopt. In every sphere of life, we find ourselves sometimes at the most unexpected of places, of jobs, what we make of it usually travels farther than we expect.  I have had the opportunity to work at various places and I do all of them whether comfortable or not to the best of my ability. I believe that doing my best at it is what matters. I even did those that I did not necessarily possess the skill set required, learning as much as I could. I did all my duties because it was what I was supposed to do for myself (so I thought). I never realised how much of it people were watching. I was noticed by my co workers, even my bosses that did not exactly work with me. The managers in the offices noticed and only when I was leaving did I real...

Dear dreamer, Good or bad? I was beginning to get comfortable. Good thing or not? I was not sure. My mum always said that I was a natural at this but I never thought of it seriously. Now, I realised a habit of mine that I was not quite sure if I could call it good or bad. It seemed to be somewhere in the middle. When I am in the middle of work, I pursue it mindlessly completely forgetting that it's business too. I was a persistent passion worker. I get immersed in what I am doing easily. This time, I have forgotten that I was doing this for the penny. I was stuck in between 'this is my passion' and what actually needs to be done. A part of me was saying you love this job, it might not be what you need but you enjoy it, why not settle here for now pending when you will embark on your next trip. Another part of me disagreed though. I had worked hard enough to get this far but I am not to remain here. I should prepare the next destination. I started this because I wanted to ta...

Dear dreamer, Dare to dream I have said this time and time again yet, here it goes again. I saw a post suggesting mediocrity as some honorable thing to do. Encouraging cowardice is quite bold. I think not working hard enough while others strive for a great life should in fact be a crime because everybody would be expecting a beautiful harvest, even those who do not deserve it. I dare everyone to dream, to just close their eyes and picture the life they will choose if they were asked to write their destiny by themselves.  Suggesting a safe life that fights for nothing, strives for nothing worthy of note too is a very terrible advice or school of thought. There's nothing honourable about being lazy and living a disappointing life, getting through life being pushed around. Dare to want things and go for it. Do everything possible and within your power to get the things you want. Wake up every day ready to take on a new challenge. Learn to be afraid and still do what you want to do for...

Dear dreamer Fear over Confidence? Sometimes, I live in the future. The present is too excruciating to live in some times. At times like that, I commute to the future where hope lives. I am yet to arrive there and hope to change it before the future gradually slips into the present. How do I do that? Of course, my work will make all the difference. After all, I have this one chance to live my dreams. However, one question plagued me, should I bet on now or the uncertain future? Should I hold on to the present or learn to let myself anticipate the future? Which one of them was more reliable, the present is a single step away from being the past so it seems very unreliable but it was the certain one. If change was not a question, I would worry less about this but change is inevitable. The future was uncertain. Usually, it's good advice to look forward to the things that are beyond now but they were not exactly certain. Sometimes, we find that we have to choose the present or future. ...

Dear dreamer, Even scorners... Very brief today.  I had a moment to reflect on many other things. Someone reached out to me and said he loved my spirit. I just smiled at the acknowledgement. He was part of the set of people that were very sure that I was going to realise that I wanted the impossible and could not get it. This moment was a moment for me to recite my faith to myself and remember that a lot of people had doubts that I would be able to live my dream. I need to remember them frequently enough so I don't go ahead to disappoint myself and the rest of the world who have faith in me despite all odds.  I have this one chance to live my dreams to the highest detail I could get. I have no limitations except the one I put on myself. That is the only thing that could hold me back- me. He saw that I was working and the most little things were beginning to look created in my favour. In this moment, I had a weird sort of refreshing. Anyone who doubted me are beginning to think...

 Dear dreamer, Tricks...plenty of it Well, I was studying a lot of plans, business models, methods for doing things. I have been doing so for a while now. Remember what I said about how I'm always trying to get more knowledge to increase my chances and the opportunities I might be able to seize. In my quest, I had to closely observe very common school of thoughts and every time it always end up with the same thought, same question: "What...people are allowed to do this?" Our lives have all been carefully curated in a 'complicated' illusion. We make a lot of simple things vague and confusing, making it complicated to be assessed by every other person. The amount of tricks people use to cover up some 'fair' or 'unfair' actions is quite surprising. I realised that it was sort of to reduce the complications in our existence. Initially, I could not accept some of it because I felt it was not fair enough. But, I looked at it from a different perspective ...

Dear dreamer, Consistency If you think it gets easy with each time, I don't think you have the statistics perfect. It might be easier but it does not become effortless. It requires you to keep coming back to do the same thing time and time again. It's been more than 70 days that I started writing the blog, I can only try to write each one every day because I have to keep coming back. It does not mean it has been easy to do it severally. In my case, I have frequently thought of quitting at some point which is not an entirely bad idea but the time was not right. I had to persistently keep the streak. This is what I apply as a daily principle. You don't quit it because it's hard. That's the one excuse that is never enough for me to quit. I could take breaks to re-strategize but I keep coming back to them. Consistency was the one thing that kept me coming back to all my projects and I knew inside of me that none of them were necessarily over. I was definitely coming bac...

Dear dreamer, Cover up A brief one. Your mind is the biggest weapon you have. How much do you protect it? Do you handle it carelessly. Keep your heart with all diligence because out of it are the issues of life. Truer words than this has never existed. You should guard it diligently and watch what little or large thing goes in or comes out. One thing that I have realised is that when striving endlessly, positivity is a supply you should not run out of. Positivity will help you to keep trying again for as long as needed. The journey can be tiring but if you will keep coming back with more strategy, it's all in your mind.  There was a time that I could not hold out for this long. If I was told that I would keep up for this long. I would have bet otherwise. If you will give up or continue when it gets hard, it all starts in the mind, the thoughts. They are the powerful tools that you can use to shape yourself better for the new fights each time they come up. You have to keep being hap...

Dear dreamers, Change I have always felt like a superman when it comes down to change. I thought I was neither scared nor hated it but, turns out it is encoded into our DNA whether we liked it or not. We all subconsciously took the most predictable paths. We all require extra bravery to take the paths that we don't know. I can't even say it's a terrible thing but it's cowardice packaged into something fancy. I am this person for a long term goal. I tried to envisage me as a different person wanting different things and I felt like all of this work was a waste. I kept asking myself the same question time and time again. What if I change and realise that I want different things. I don't know the answer or what the answer should look like but one thing I knew was that I prefer to not have started the journey if I was not going to do for myself what I promised I was gonna do.  Was I scared of change or this one is just too important. I see a lot of stories and the way t...

Dear dreamer, Opportunity There are opportunities that stumble our way every now and then. Opportunities to do something bigger than you. You should grab those chances and hold on to it tightly. I am loving my job honestly. Well, not in a comfortable type of way. What that means is that I don't love it enough to want to remain here for a while without moving away. But I was definitely appreciating this opportunity. I am working in a school- not teaching but my job was a creative one. I had a freehand to make a lot of academic choices for the school and students. I was given an opportunity to see firsthand the problems that plague our educational institutions and how all the gears move to produce what we have; society, parents, the students, even the very agency in charge of education. This includes the people producing the curriculum, book writers that design how the curriculum is passed, the agents that pass knowledge themselves and the people who controlled all of them at the top...

Dear dreamers,  It's easy... It's easy to check time and be anxious about how much of it is gone. I have been hell bent on not counting time so much because I get very overwhelmed with the pace I am moving at but I fall into the temptation of doing exactly that. Looking at time from the view of how much has been spent usually sends me into a frenzy. I had this 10-year plan and it's not like time was waiting for me to figure out a lot of things. I had to just risk everything and anything. Some times, I meet up with my preset goal post and there are other times where I barely achieve anything. I spend days, weeks even struggling with a new action plan. I had times where I was completely anxious. At this time, I was taking things easy and slow. I was anxious about so many things especially how much time I had used up but I was trying to keep the peace.  Then, I realised that the beginnings were supposed to be very hard, hard enough for you to want to throw your hands up and wa...

Dear dreamer, Repeated actions I crashed... Not your regular type of crashing (whatever that means) I was overwhelmed with confusion and stress coupled with worry so I just gave all of it up for a minute. I have to re-strategise. Prior to this time, I have created a multiple number of plan Bs. I was weary of them but the special thing I appreciate is that there is no entirely new experience that happens to anyone. We constantly experience similar situations only different conditions. This means there's no need for new answers. We can all use the same answers; tailored to fit our needs. So, the answer to my dilemma was to be strategic once again. If the initial strategy failed, design another one till you get one that works. Good thing is that you will keep getting better at strategising if you do it persistently. You increase your chances of doing it better and one day, you will get it right. After all, we have just this chance to do all of it (the right, the wrong) The cost of fai...

 Dear dreamer, A little more... I might have been forgetting to mention something. I was realistically out of penniless. I was not out of all of it but it was at least out of 'penniless'. After a long string of days, I was out of red zone slightly. It was relieving to have done this much for myself. Of course, it was not exactly without help but for what it's worth. I did a lot of it by myself. The work continues though, maybe even more than it has been. For weeks, I have actually wondered what to focus on as the new project. Now, I have the answer. I was out of red but I still had a long way to go substantially. That is the new project. It had several other mini projects attached but this is the briefest I could go in describing it. At this time, I knew that all projects were about to be suspended for about two weeks because busy week at work was approaching. Unexpectedly, I was most likely to take on an entirely new project when all of this was done. One of those projects...

  Dear dreamer, The grind... All the answers I was seeking were in the grind. I was willing to bet this chance to live this dreams.  There was a question though. All of this effort, with each challenge were bound to leave their own marks. They will change a couple of things; priorities, how I chose what was important, behavioural traits among others. All of this was a means to an end. Was it worth it? It's a severe gamble to make. Change is always a gamble that you should take with caution.  Sometimes, tiny wins feel like magic. Meanwhile, it's all in the grind. The late nights, the early mornings. Meeting up with responsibilities on every side can be sometimes very difficult and you persist whether it was easy or not. Then, the lessons you will have to learn with time. Some of the habits or school of thought we have to either learn or unlearn. You will have to make a few decisions that you are not used to or planned for and you just have to show up for all of it or give ...

Dear dreamer, Conscious or not  Was I losing myself or was I evolving? Very brief today... This is a question that I found very difficult to answer and I'm the only one who possesses the answer. Recently and too frequently, I have been slipping in and out of consciousness. One minute, I think it's me and soon, I doubt it again. It's like having two personalities that assail you very differently without interfering with each other. I was alternating between decisions for various reasons. I was slipping into consciousness and out of it in no particular order. I have been listening closely and observing the most amazing stories. There are parts of you that can not get far with you in the long run. The easier you realise the better for you. Certain parts of you will have to be sacrificed in the course of pursuing a lot of things. Sometimes, the sacrifices makes me sit and sigh yet again. We'll keep adjusting to fit in as long as we can. After all, we have this one chance to...

  Dear dreamer, Old  scares Sometimes, our existence is simply an avenue to grow past some demons. It's all part of growing, evolving. The little things that haunt you have to at some point become a hilarious joke. We are only allowed to be afraid of scare crows for a while. Sooner or later, it is supposed to become something we poke at and laugh at how silly and ridiculous it is. That's how I was scared of disappointing people who expected so much of me for many years. It grew from mild to severe in no time that a lot of my actions were about what people would expect from me not what it should be.  I became terrified of letting people see me. I constantly, intentionally downplay myself because I am scared of one more person mounting pressure on me. This is one of the reasons why faking it is very scary. I don't fake it but people see what they see. Before you go ahead thinking that it is advantageous, imagine been told every minute what amount of potential you have, even...

Dear dreamer,   Self-reliance...the lies I remember reading a book that criticised the usual success stories we are used to. The I's that are seen as symbol of greatness. If there is anything we humans are good at, it is leaving the details of the story out and telling vague ones for whatever reason we deem fit. All of this were things I would understand later on. Every now and then, I bump into one challenge or the other, it's usually difficult for me to reach out to others even though I know they might have the answer. The self-reliance they try to instil in children feels so laughable now. I think it's very ironical that we tell them 'You can do anything' or 'You can do anything by yourself', the lies of self-reliance. One day, they will wake up and realise they can not do much or even anything at all by themselves. The painful thing is that they would not realise early enough that the very self-reliance that was sold to them as the antidote is the poison...

  Dear dreamer Whatsoever I can Surprisingly, I was getting out of being penniless. Most of it happened not the way I planned or thought. I was reading and realised that I had to make some rather simple but hard decisions. It was simple because I just had to choose between stuck or winning some. On the other end, it is hard because I wanted to focus on the things I wanted to do but I had to put all hands down and do something about remaining penniless.  I need money and the best and fastest way for me to do it was to get a job. I tried to get a number of them without success. That made me realise that the struggle was more opportunity wise than I thought. I have to find a job opportunity that would be a perfect match and something I could handle well.  So, immediately a job opportunity opened, I took it and it might not be the  best thing I have done so far but it was perfect.  Time and time again,  life would throw us several challenges and we have to look...

  Dear dreamer, Time I am confident in my ability to put in the work tirelessly. My job was very busy at this time and I had to cut down on how much extra work I had to do. I was planning to put a couple of projects on hold while I worked on new ones that were related to my job. I just hoped I was doing the right t h ings and using my time to do the right things. After all, I only get one chance to find ways to live my dreams.  I remember wondering about the magic called time. The quantifier of past, present and future. Would you believe it if I tell you that time is the real currency? When we speak of resources, the one we pay least attention to is the one that is most limited. Yet we trade with it and for it. Time can purchase anything and everything. It is the most important unit of trading. Now, the most important quality is that it can not be bought, it can only be redeemed. Why is this important? Many of us make our deals without consideration for the most valuable curre...

  Dear dreamer, Progress Report Yes. I think it is long overdue. Recently, I have been lost in the many challenges that can plague our existence that I almost forgot what I was supposed to do so, this is me doing what I should.  I am currently doing what I would describe as 'Tidying up'. I am supposed to do an evaluation of product 2 and wrap up pre-building phase. I was rushing up to tie  up loose ends. The brand...hmm, I tried to design the logo and set up a couple of things but it just felt out of place in terms of time and chance. Besides, it needs funding and I am trying to allocate funds appropriately for the right things. I am definitely stepping out of the grey area in terms of finances but I did not want to make wrong choices and go broke in a matter of days or weeks of getting out. Not with all of the knowledge I have garnered from several hours, days even of studying financing. Of course, I know nobody knows the perfect answers but knowledge should guide or sho...

  Dear dreamer, Finding Peace  II Finding peace is not synonymous to working less. If anything at all, it's a way to work harder at the important things, being efficient over being effective so you can have profound results. I like to describe it as getting into the flow- the right flow. I previously said a couple of things about not fighting the person you are - that's important. What's more important is the people and things you surround yourself with. It's very easy to adapt to being a mirror, in fact it's what we are naturally. We become what we relate to every time. So, imagine being in the wrong company.  When you move with a capitalist, you will see how they view the world. They see every thing as another money making adventure for them. They think in term of value and are very quick to offer value in return for value. When you also exchange with a writer, you observe that everything to them is another story. I used this two examples because this are two thin...

  Dear dreamer, Finding Peace I The feeling of being enough is one that can easily elude us because of the imperfection we were carefully created to illustrate and we proclaim it as if it is a shameful stain that we try unsuccessfully to erase. When was the last time you made a mistake and did not beat yourself up for a while. We are quick to judge people for engaging on an impossible quest but we struggle to rewrite our DNA- very hilarious. I have experienced this first hand, thinking that I'm the problem, it must be me doing it wrong. I know that we are all imperfect but I sometimes forget that includes me. In one of the rare moments where I am talking to my mum and feel she can hear every word, she made me realise that it was very unnecessary to fight yourself. I am a naturally overcautious, overanxious person. My worst fear is making a mistake even if that's the messy bits of our lives that makes it interesting. I'm not very courageous. I like to have a major part of th...

  Dear dreamer, Keep Finding Ways Don't ever stand still. Always move even when you are not sure of the direction to take. I was thinking of ways to do this better after all, I only get this chance to live my dreams. I want to do as much right things and reduce my energy waste. Of course this means checking the internet and I usually end up reading a number of articles, maybe watch a few videos or even discovering a new book. Currently, I have three books that I am not done reading so no more for now. I can add to my library though I have few days to the first product 2 evaluation and good news is that I am right on track and I was proud of myself for coming this far even with everything going on. I deserve a pat on the back for it. Surprisingly, finding new ways has led me to learn marketing methods, a must learn no matter the field you are. This is something I never tried to learn- pure oversight. It is quite easy to underestimate how much knowledge of a field that you lack when ...

  Dear dreamer, Lifeless Some days are full of life and activities, some are not. They painfully pass even slowly than you are used to.  I am working on my brand, product 2 plus I had my job to do. There is hardly breathing space for me. I can not feel tired and sleep in. Today is one of those days when I was mentally exhausted and I need to declutter. I simply wonder what all of this stress is for. Is it worth it, How bad would it be if I stopped? I badly want to cease exist for a while and continue to exist later. However, the luxury of time was something I was not exactly sure I had. This type of episode is not so unfamiliar but I could not skip to the end easily. It's a process that I allow to run its full course.  Nothing makes working hard consistently tiring than the thought that all of it could still fail to give you desired result. Things go differently than you plan frequently. I don't even know how many 'I thought this was it' moments I would have before I fi...

  Dear dreamer, Good or bad? The constant hunger for more. I was not really sure whether it is an entirely good thing. It is a double edged sword that you have to wield carefully.  With each phase we win, we feel like it's little and we can take on more. Of course, this helps us to pursue more and achieve more but it could also leave tracks of ingratitude in its wake and we easily undermine how much progress we have made.  I was thinking and I felt like I have not made much progress in the last months. Like, everything I have succeeded in doing, learning and relearning were all very basic and had no real value. It was very easy to forget the sleepless nights, the very nervous moments, the breakdowns, all of it.  However, the fact remained that it is this insatiable hunger for more that has helped me to move further and further from the starting point. I guess it's a good thing that I would continue for a while. I am grateful for where I currently stand but I want mor...

  Dear dreamer, How tough are you? How do you answer this question? Is it the silence that conveys a bit of cowardice, or the rashness that is dosed with the heavy scent of overconfidence. Well, none of it is entirely right nor wrong. Today is a brief one. This is just one of the days that I simply analyse or try to by asking so many questions to at least be clear that I am here of my intent not accidentally. It seems to me that we are trapped into some decisions some times. I had a job and had no time anymore. I was not even able to get enough sleep to meet up with everything but I can not quit the job because it at least will pay me some money. I however realised that I would have to sacrifice some time to make money to do something else. Everyday, we will come to a clearer, stark realisation that you underestimated how hard life was. It's very knotty sometimes that seeing beyond your challenges was hard. Your troubles or challenges looks like a very broad spectrum with no end in...

  Dear dreamer, Hungry... I was hungry. Hungry for knowledge...definitely something I did not know. Sometimes, I feel like I have exhausted every piece of knowledge I had and try to refuel. See new things, understand new ideas, look from other perspectives maybe there was something I could use. For me, reading is not because it's fun. Your eyes hurt after a while but that was how I assimilated the most- reading. Not watching nor listening. I never pay attention. Knowing more, amassing knowledge was what I found fun so if you give me a literature that I cannot understand or does not precisely provide useful knowledge, reading it becomes boring and burdensome. I almost impulsively applied for a post graduate course because I was kind of desperate to leave for somewhere I would be involved in learning something very unfamiliar. Thankfully, in my library I had three books to read. I picked the one that seemed a little novel to me simply because that means more things to learn. It is no...

  Dear dreamer, Important lesson I am definitely a different person compared to who I started as. It's like the feeling when you are dreaming and someone harshly wakes you from that slumber. That's what harsh reality was doing. Somehow, I was not averse to the idea even though sometimes it felt sort of pushing to be me. I was sort of picky previously when it came to what to do but more than anything, I am beginning to understand that it was hardly only about what you planned for, what you did not want. A lot of it will be unexpected but you must do what you have to do as long as you can. I was watching a story of someone. He mentioned three things that I realise are actually important for the long haul especially if you will survive and not lose too much. We are all bound to lose a few here and there but the point is to get through life without losing too much. If we lose so much that our wins pale in comparison, then you have really failed at it. The three things are; One, sta...

  Dear dreamer, How big? Just how big does your motivation have to be? Well, before that... I think we all still remember product 2. Well, I have another partner for that- a more professional technical member so it was reassuring. Everything was somehow going to fall in place. I did not exactly know how but I was definitely going to make sure it did. I have also been exploring different business models. I just felt that I was going to need this knowledge soon. That's the most precise and brief progress report I can come up with. You know, before getting what you think you want, what you strive tirelessly for, there is the first test before getting it but I did not really know that keeping it up could be equally or maybe more challenging than starting seemed. Maybe because of the extra anxiety that is attached because the slope is steeper than previously. This is the real definition of it only gets harder with time and each advancement. A step higher, double the effort. This is prob...